| Who the fuck am I? (Public Post) |
[06 Sep 2009|09:36pm] |
I've had several conversations over the past week surrounding who am I. I've also questioned my identity to some degree in thinking about it, and I'm left with the question of who the fuck am I really? The following is all rants as it comes into my head, but it's important to me. There's more than what will be written here, but these are the things that I've had to think about recently.
I start off with the important shit, in my mind (and I'll only touch on things that I've thought about recently): I am young, alive, and curious. I'm the kid who grew up on the outside and the adult who knows exactly where and why each line was etched into my skin with that razor, though the scars have long faded. I'm the guy who doesn't outwardly appear to be, but is eating disordered, though that is also less severe than it once was. I wake up each morning to a body that betrays me on numerous levels, yet I find peace in it. I alter my body and own it. I am probably more comfortable naked or half-clothed in front of friends and select strangers than someone with amazing self-esteem would be.
I am kinky and passionate, a hopeless romantic. I am also polyamorous with an immense respect for certain forms of monogamy. I am neither single or unavailable at any given time. I find incredible power in my kinky identity and few other things make me feel so sexy or empowered as being a power bottom, sometimes submitting (don't assume my definition is yours, but that goes for any of this shit). Getting punched or being pierced is, or any number of things, is, to me, a gorgeous thing and there's nothing that releases my endorphins quite like that. I am romantically and emotionally free, often developing slight crushes on people I know just because I can, not expecting anything more and enjoying the feelings that rush with it. I am honest to a fault with the people I most trust. I would one day like a primary, but I will also always be free and am much too proud to fully submit to anyone until that point.
I am a vegan and damn proud. I am motivated in my work and life, and I want to accomplish great things. My medical history has stopped me from accomplishing past dreams, some lost forever, and I try not to let it affect me now. Yes, call me what you will, but I am a man and never was anything else. I own my femme identity and think people who embrace gender in genderfucked forms kick some serious ass. I will be on medication for the rest of my life to treat a medical condition that makes me both hate my self and life, but I can't be bitter forever. It is not who I am and I have little camaraderie with people who share my condition over the fact that we have it, but I share with them an understanding and respect for peace from questions that even the most well-intentioned people ask. I am gay and fluid with sexuality. Some days I wake up thinking I'm attractive, others I wake up and see a monster. I love men and can appreciate those who love women. I adore physical affection and think certain forms of it are much better than sex could ever be if done with someone you care about. I am attracted to masculinity in varying forms, dominance, and varying degrees of butch and femme. I am immersed in queer culture and cannot really grasp what it would mean to be straight or blend in with the crowd.
I do not apologize for who I am or what you see. There are also nights where I walk home and know I can't take a certain route because I will get my ass kicked - but for which reason will they kick my ass? I was raised to be someone I never was. It permeates my thinking and I operate on a different wavelength than most of my peers. I am an artist and a musician who, through many unfortunate (some also positive strangely enough) events, has been forced away from their art, and therefore outlet. This means I'm often frustrated with no means to let it out. I learn to control my feelings, but there are days when nothing can console me and I will fall back into a depression that I used to have daily, and for years, in the past.
I am proud of who I am, disgraced by some of it, but I am in control. My feelings will ebb and flow, but I am, overall, empowered and confident. I'm incredibly shy and awkward in social situations, don't make friends easily, and would rather sit at home than go to a club. I will only dance in solitude or with a few select people, despise bars, and don't tolerate bullshit. I hold a grudge and also forgive when I shouldn't. I do not apologize, but I avoid confrontation at all costs. I am a pacifist, lover, ethical slut, and passionate activist and a lifelong scholar. People who try to minimize my experience or take one look at me and think I'm a dumb blonde will quickly be shut down. I'm not someone to be fucked with and I'll be an utter bitch if the need arises. I'm not politically correct and refuse to bow to everyone who is afraid to step on some toes. I am also respectful.
I own who I am. I am empowered by me. If you don't like it, well.. sorry? If you do, awesome. I've been told by a few people that they admire me for what I've done with my life. I'm not sure that's called for at all, but I appreciate that I might help others. I'm not someone you should try to be like by any means, but I hope that everyone can learn to be okay with themselves and not have to answer to anyone but their own person. There is way too much drama in this world and I, for one, have no tolerance. Be who you are, experience life, be safe, and never apologize for learning about who you are. I will change because everything changes. I know who I am and will never forget where I've come from. I know my boundaries and have hard lines. I know what I need to live. Yet, I will be a different person tomorrow in many ways and I will also be the same person in fifty years. Just live and let live. Don't judge, don't assume, and don't punish others for doing the same whenever you can.
|
|
|
[16 Jun 2009|05:03pm] |
If you are reading this right now, you have more luxury than someone in Iran could ever hope for right now. If you are watching TV or a video on youtube, updating your status on Facebook, Tweeting, or even texting your friend, you are lucky. If you are safe in your home, and were able to sleep last night without the sounds of screaming from the rooftops, you need to know and understand what is happening to people just like you in Iran right now.
They are not the enemy. They are a people whose election has been stolen. For the first time in a long time, a voice for change struck the youth of Iran, just as it did for many people in the United States only seven months ago. Hossein Mousavi gained the support of millions of people in Iran as a Presidential candidate. He stands for progressiveness. He supports good relations with the West, and the rest of the world. He is supported with fervor as he challenges the oppressive regime of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
On Friday, millions of people waited for hours in line to vote in Iran's Presidential election. Later that night, as votes came in, Mousavi was alerted that he was winning by a two-thirds margin. Then there was a change. Suddenly, it was Ahmadinejad who had 68% of the vote - in areas which have been firmly against his political party, he overwhelmingly won. Within three hours, millions of votes were supposedly counted - the victor was Ahmadinejad. Immediately fraud was suspected - there was no way he could have won by this great a margin with such oppposition. Since then, reports have been coming in of burned ballots, or in some cases numbers being given without any being counted at all. None of this is confirmed, but what happened next seems to do the trick.
The people of Iran took the streets and rooftops. They shout "Death to the dictator" and "Allah o akbar." They join together to protest. Peacefully. The police attack some, but they stay strong. Riots happen, and the shouting continues all night. Text messaging was disabled, as was satellite, and websites which can spread information such as Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, and the BBC are blocked in the country. At five in the morning, Arabic speaking soldiers (the people of Iran speak Farsi) stormed a university in the capital city of Tehran. While sleeping in their dormitories, five students were killed. Others were wounded. These soldiers are thought to have been brought in by Ahmadinejad from Lebanon. Today, 192 of the university's faculty have resigned in protest.
Mousavi requested that the government allow a peaceful rally to occur this morning - the request was denied. Many thought that it would not happen. Nevertheless, first a few thousand people showed up in the streets of Tehran. At this point, it is estimated that 1 to 2 million people were there. Mousavi spoke on the top of a car. The police stood by. For a few hours, everything was peaceful. Right now, the same cannot be said. Reports of injuries, shootings, and killings are flooding the internet. Twitter has been an invaluable source - those in Iran who still know how to access it are updating regularly with picture evidence. People are being brutally beaten. Tonight will be another night without rest for so many in Iran no older than I am. Tonight there is a Green Revolution.
For more information:
PICTURES:
here and here
NEW INFORMATION:
Here - near constant updates
Here - ONTD_political live post
ON TWITTER:
@StopAhmadi, @ProtesterHelp
 دنیارابگوییدچطورآنهاانتخاباتمان دزدیده اند Tell the world how they have stolen our election
|
|
| public entry.. |
[20 Jan 2008|07:55pm] |
cut a lot of people from my friend's list last night and i will probably be cutting more over the next few days,
if i comment on your journal, know you in real life, find you interesting enough as a purely online entity, or some other reason, you are probably safe.
if you notice that you've been cut and don't like it, you can comment here (screened comments) and i'll think about it. i'm sick of skimming past so my friend's posts that i never read, and especially now that i'm so busy.
there's a few people i'm unsure about removing from my list, so i may just be screening more and more posts.
|
|
| Turkey Day or Thanksgiving?? |
[17 Nov 2007|09:20pm] |
With Thanksgiving coming up, I have to respectfully urge the omnivores among you to do one of two things (and no. 2 is relevant to the veg, too)..
(1) If you must eat turkey, please refrain from buying one in a grocery store due to cruelty issues and instead go to a local farm and buy one that has been more humanely treated throughout it's life.
(2) Consider making Thanksgiving about the birds and don't eat one; or at the very least, adopt-a-turkey (Adopt-A-Turkey Project through the Farm Sanctuary, my favorite animal-rights group who I made gift donations to last year on the behalf of my family and friends).
Thanksgiving has turned into something far different from what it was originally meant to be. (The Story of Thanksgiving) It is now all about eating and excessiveness. I have no problem with that to some degree, but I have a problem when millions of animals are suffering as a result.
For the veg among us, and for the omnivores who want to try something different and tasty (tasty so proclaimed by my meat-eating family), try Tofurky Feasts. They're really yummy, healthier, more environmentally-friendly, and cruelty-free. (Information on the 'Turkey Industry'. Safe for work and non-offensive as compared to more extreme groups.)
Disclaimer for my sake: I usually get people saying I'm a militant vegan here but I don't believe I am- only sharing something that I have firm beliefs in. My view, put simply: "If you couldn't kill it, don't eat it. I couldn't, so I don't." If you don't agree, that's fine, but don't bash me in return, please- and I only mention this because I've gotten some really nasty comments in the past. On that note, you'll probably see this one more time.
Happy Holidays- let's all celebrate this rather dumb, but amazing, animal!!
|
|
| Death penalty for animal abuse, anyone? |
[06 Oct 2007|05:54pm] |
Really depressing day at work.
1-1/2 year old lab named Pepper has been on chemo for a month. Her dad, who also just had cancer, comes in every day. She wags her tail every day, but today, she didn't. Her mom and their son came in today, as well. She's not doing well and everyone knows the end is near.
A 3 year old german shepard came in. She had her third set of pups near two weeks ago (of which 3 are alive of 6). They found her two days later with what looks like a bullet wound in her leg which was all infected. They kept her in their kitchen in a horse trough. They poured in food every day and just left her there. A week ago someone from out office went to look at her per request of their son's girlfriend. The vet's offered to euthanize the animal for free. At that time, the animal (her name was Smiley) was sitting in feces with maggots and rotted milk and food (they were feeding her milk and baby cereal). A week later, she came in. She reeked of ammonia to an extent I can't begin to tell you. She was sitting in leftover dog food drenched in bloody diarrhea. She was sopping wet with old urine. She had bed sores and no pain response in any of her legs and she was spewing diarrhea, no bodily control. A volunteer and I pet her and her breathing became normal a little bit and she just had this look of peace. Apparently they walked right by her and paid no attention. The woman was more concerned about finding a gas station than shedding a tear for the dog. The husband refused to euthanize her nor pay the $1,000 up front cost to begin the healing process. Eventually they agreed to euthanize. I talked to the vet to see if they would sign her over to me to give her a fighting shot. Unfortunately, she was too far gone- had she come in a few days earlier, I could have had her signed over and she might have lived. She would have been at the vet's for months and the healing process would have taken over a year. I'm not going to go too far into it. This is just the worst case of neglect I've ever seen. The people refused to even fucking pay a $102 bill for an exam and euthanasia. They have 5 more dogs and her puppies. No charges can be filed because they at least brought her in. I sat with her while she stopped breathing and her heart slowed. I had to go help someone and her heartbeat was gone when I got back. I am pissed off, more than pissed off. She was the sweetest dog- you could just tell, even though she was so weak she couldn't lift her head. I felt like killing this woman. I don't know how anyone can get away with murder- this dog died one of the worst deaths I can imagine. At least they cleaned off the maggots before bringing her in, but a fly still flew from the bag we put her in after she died.
I feel helpless. I wish I had been able to help her, she deserved to live.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}